Dear Aydan & Avabean,
I went to the grocery store this afternoon with Avabean while Aydan napped and while walking around, I decided to look at Father's Day cards since it is coming up in a few weeks. I saw all the cards for Dads from their daughters and my heart broke. This will be the first Father's Day without Grandpa and I miss him so much!
My favorite singer/songwriter, Jason Mraz, worded it the best:
"The reason it hurts so bad when someone passes away is because we lose the ability to tell them we love them."
All I want to do most days is tell Grandpa just how much I really love him and I guess that's why seeing those cards hurt so much...I'll never be able to tell him that again. Tell everyone just how much you love them every single day kids, because when the time comes for them to go home to Jesus, you won't be able to anymore. It's just another reason why I tell you kids everyday! I never want you to forget how much I love you, but mainly, I love being able to tell you that I do!
On the 14th of May, I started a bible study on Proverbs 31. It is essentially what God wants us to be as wives and mothers and what men should look for when searching for their future wife.
It has been so healing for me to see where I can improve. I try every day to be the best mother and wife that I can be but I am not perfect. I, like you, fall short of God's grace and need a Savior.
Over the past few weeks, I have discovered the following things:
1) I need to get back to God. I had an amazing relationship with Christ when your father and I first met, but as life has gone on, deployments have been announced, I have strayed. My faith hasn't changed at all; I still believe and know in my heart that God is real and that he sacrificed his one and only son, Jesus Christ, to pay the ultimate price for my sins. But I have slowly stopped praying as often as I should and stopped reading the word. I'm trying though because I want to be a good example not just for you but for your father. I want to love him the way Christ wants me to love him.
2) I am going to try harder to have "eager hands". I am going to see all my housework and mundane tasks with joy knowing that I am providing a humble home for my family. I am going to do them with ah heart full of thanksgiving knowing that I wouldn't have a family to do this for if it were not for God blessing me with one.
3) I cannot do everything on my own and it's okay to ask for help and admit that I cannot do things alone. I am realizing that even more now that it's been a month and two days since Grandpa has passed. I need to remind myself that it is healthy and normal to feel lost and need help because we are only human. Never feel negatively in needing help, my dear babies. It doesn't make you weak at all, it makes you stronger for being able to admit that you need help. It is through Christ that we find our strength, we are never meant to go through hard times alone...He is always alongside us, guiding our steps.
I love you both more than words could ever express!
Mommy
30 May 2012
22 May 2012
Two Sleeping Babies
Aydan & Ava,
Hello again my beautiful kiddos!
You are both napping right now, which is a rarity lately in this house.
Avabean, you are in your co sleeper and Aydan, you are sleeping in our bed. As much as I love you both, I don't know what it is about you two when you're sleeping that fills my heart with so much awe. Maybe it's because you are at your most innocent, untouched by anything negative, perfect and serene. These moments, my sweet little ones, are what make life so absolutely beautiful!
It's poring outside, typical Charleston weather, for this time of year and it makes me remember my very first summer here when Daddy and I first got married. It seems like forever ago, but it really wasn't.
It was a perfect summer, Daddy and I had only been married that December and we were still getting used to each other....it was hard at first but so worth it and it still is!
Believe it or not, I love your Daddy more today then I did the day I married him. We have learned so much about each other and who we want to be, how we want to raise you and most of all, we have learned just how much love a heart can hold.
I know that I have been a little down lately, because I miss Grandpa so much, but God has blessed me so much, I could never thank Him enough...you are my living proof that miracles do happen and that when you follow Christ, He will give you the desires of your heart!
21 May 2012
Signs
It's been one crazy week my little ones.
It was the first Mother's Day without Grandpa. I have no idea why it was so hard for me, but it was. I missed him so much. Maybe because I figured I had more time...that seems to be what hits me the most. That and guilt....pointless guilt, false guilt.
I feel guilty that I couldn't stay with Grandpa until he took his last breath. There is this tiny voice in the back of my head that says I should have stayed, but I know I couldn't have. I had to bring you babies home and I know in the deepest part of my heart, that is what your Grandpa would have wanted.
Grandma and I have come to the conclusion that Grandpa is my guardian angel. Since Grandpa passed, I have been praying and asking God for a sign from Grandpa just to know that he's alright. In retrospect, it seems silly. I know that Grandpa is in Heaven rejoicing, but I can't help but worry. Well about two weeks after Grandpa passed, I had a dream where I was being chased by a man who meant me harm. As I was running down a long corridor, I looked and saw Grandpa, but it was just the back of him. What caught my eye the most was a white and blue baseball shirt he was wearing and his Christmas pajama bottoms. When I went to go back, Grandpa was gone.
The second dream I had was just a few days ago and it was about us visiting a bakery in the town I grew up in. The entire dream, I knew Grandpa had passed, but he was there the whole time, watching from a distance. He didn't speak to anyone but me. When we arrived to the bakery, he asked what we were doing there and I told him we were going to try out some cakes from the bakery. I asked him if he wanted anything and he said, "No, I'm okay." I can hear his voice in my head now as I type; and he kept repeating it, "I'm okay, I'm okay", almost like he needed to stress it to me, needed it to sink into my head.I realize now, that was the sign I was asking God for.
The last thing is this: I woke up in the middle of the night last Thursday to feed Miss Avabean and after she was done and I was tucking you in to your co-sleeper, I heard Grandpa clearing his throat right outside my bedroom door. I would know that sound anywhere and I know it was him.
So, I'm done asking God for signs, because I know now that Grandpa is okay. It doesn't change how much I miss him, but I am a little bit more at peace.
I know that he's watching over you kids too! Aydan, for the first time in your life, you have started talking in your sleep. You were carrying on a conversation, but all Grandma heard from you is, "Yeah. Yeah! Okay!". I know without a doubt that you're talking to Grandpa. I also know, that in your own way, at only 21 months old, you miss him a lot. But I think that's why Grandpa keeps visiting you in your dreams. It's funny because Grandma told me you were talking in your sleep again last night and I asked you if you were talking to Grandpa. You looked at me as if it was the silliest question in the world, smiled and said, "Yes, Mommy". That was all I needed. He loved you so much kiddo, don't ever forget that.
It was also a very exciting time in the Jedziniak household, or as I like to call it, Casa Jedziniak...lol Aydan Lucas, on May 14th, 2012, you peed on the potty for the FIRST TIME!!! I was at Babies R Us with Grandma and Avabean getting diapers for Avabean when Daddy called me. You were so proud. I talked to you on the phone and you said, "Mommy, I did it, I did it!" and then you hung up on me. You are one clever little boy and you love to play on our cell phones and call random numbers....sometimes, the numbers aren't so random and you have called Tio Danny, Mama, and your Tio Ricky. It's actually quite hilarious. You've also sent text messages and commented on people's Facebook statuses from Daddy's phone; you are too clever my son!
Avabean, my little beauty queen, you are getting prettier by the day. And I'm not just saying that because I'm your Mommy, you really are stunning! You have fair skin, dark curly hair and beautiful blue grey eyes. My pretty little jellybean, how I love you so! You are growing so much and you are becoming quite the little ham. You love to smile! You have the sweetest toothless grin and I'm going to enjoy this time as much as I can and soak it up because you'll be cutting teeth and crawling around before I know it. You are starting to look so much like Aydan, it's scary. But scary in a good way. Don't be surprised if people ask if you're twins when you get older, it happened to Tio Danny and I. We don't look so much alike now, but we couldn't deny being siblings even if we wanted to.
Love each other deeply and know without a shadow of a doubt that even though I might not always get it right, I love you more than I can ever put into words and everything I do is with you as my top priorities. You are my beautiful, healthy babies and I thank God for giving me the opportunity to be the mother to two amazing little souls.
Mommy xoxo
It was the first Mother's Day without Grandpa. I have no idea why it was so hard for me, but it was. I missed him so much. Maybe because I figured I had more time...that seems to be what hits me the most. That and guilt....pointless guilt, false guilt.
I feel guilty that I couldn't stay with Grandpa until he took his last breath. There is this tiny voice in the back of my head that says I should have stayed, but I know I couldn't have. I had to bring you babies home and I know in the deepest part of my heart, that is what your Grandpa would have wanted.
Grandma and I have come to the conclusion that Grandpa is my guardian angel. Since Grandpa passed, I have been praying and asking God for a sign from Grandpa just to know that he's alright. In retrospect, it seems silly. I know that Grandpa is in Heaven rejoicing, but I can't help but worry. Well about two weeks after Grandpa passed, I had a dream where I was being chased by a man who meant me harm. As I was running down a long corridor, I looked and saw Grandpa, but it was just the back of him. What caught my eye the most was a white and blue baseball shirt he was wearing and his Christmas pajama bottoms. When I went to go back, Grandpa was gone.
The second dream I had was just a few days ago and it was about us visiting a bakery in the town I grew up in. The entire dream, I knew Grandpa had passed, but he was there the whole time, watching from a distance. He didn't speak to anyone but me. When we arrived to the bakery, he asked what we were doing there and I told him we were going to try out some cakes from the bakery. I asked him if he wanted anything and he said, "No, I'm okay." I can hear his voice in my head now as I type; and he kept repeating it, "I'm okay, I'm okay", almost like he needed to stress it to me, needed it to sink into my head.I realize now, that was the sign I was asking God for.
The last thing is this: I woke up in the middle of the night last Thursday to feed Miss Avabean and after she was done and I was tucking you in to your co-sleeper, I heard Grandpa clearing his throat right outside my bedroom door. I would know that sound anywhere and I know it was him.
So, I'm done asking God for signs, because I know now that Grandpa is okay. It doesn't change how much I miss him, but I am a little bit more at peace.
I know that he's watching over you kids too! Aydan, for the first time in your life, you have started talking in your sleep. You were carrying on a conversation, but all Grandma heard from you is, "Yeah. Yeah! Okay!". I know without a doubt that you're talking to Grandpa. I also know, that in your own way, at only 21 months old, you miss him a lot. But I think that's why Grandpa keeps visiting you in your dreams. It's funny because Grandma told me you were talking in your sleep again last night and I asked you if you were talking to Grandpa. You looked at me as if it was the silliest question in the world, smiled and said, "Yes, Mommy". That was all I needed. He loved you so much kiddo, don't ever forget that.
It was also a very exciting time in the Jedziniak household, or as I like to call it, Casa Jedziniak...lol Aydan Lucas, on May 14th, 2012, you peed on the potty for the FIRST TIME!!! I was at Babies R Us with Grandma and Avabean getting diapers for Avabean when Daddy called me. You were so proud. I talked to you on the phone and you said, "Mommy, I did it, I did it!" and then you hung up on me. You are one clever little boy and you love to play on our cell phones and call random numbers....sometimes, the numbers aren't so random and you have called Tio Danny, Mama, and your Tio Ricky. It's actually quite hilarious. You've also sent text messages and commented on people's Facebook statuses from Daddy's phone; you are too clever my son!
Avabean, my little beauty queen, you are getting prettier by the day. And I'm not just saying that because I'm your Mommy, you really are stunning! You have fair skin, dark curly hair and beautiful blue grey eyes. My pretty little jellybean, how I love you so! You are growing so much and you are becoming quite the little ham. You love to smile! You have the sweetest toothless grin and I'm going to enjoy this time as much as I can and soak it up because you'll be cutting teeth and crawling around before I know it. You are starting to look so much like Aydan, it's scary. But scary in a good way. Don't be surprised if people ask if you're twins when you get older, it happened to Tio Danny and I. We don't look so much alike now, but we couldn't deny being siblings even if we wanted to.
Love each other deeply and know without a shadow of a doubt that even though I might not always get it right, I love you more than I can ever put into words and everything I do is with you as my top priorities. You are my beautiful, healthy babies and I thank God for giving me the opportunity to be the mother to two amazing little souls.
Mommy xoxo
10 May 2012
It's Not for Me, but for You..
Aydan & Ava,
When I first decided to start up blogging again, it was for me. I never really intended for anyone to read it, not really. I did it because I needed a place to vent, a place to be me and not be judged.
But on April 28th, I realized that I couldn't just do it for myself anymore, it's something that I will have to share with you two, my beautiful babies :)
Just like the journals I kept when I was pregnant with each of you, where I recorded all the little things I wanted you to know or the things I wanted to pass along. I feel like it will probably help me too, more than I can realize now.
April 28th, 2012 will be a date that will forever be seared into my mind. That's the day that my father, your grandfather, Fredy passed away. Even typing it now, it still seems so surreal. There will come a day when you will ask me all the details surrounding your grandfather's passing and when you're old enough to understand and not be angry, I'll tell you, but for today, I will give you the facts.
In December of 2010, Grandpa was diagnosed with liver cancer. He was given a great outlook because it was caught early. But as time passed Grandpa started to develop fluid in his belly. Aydan, when you were about 7 months old, he had to start going to MUSC (Medical University of South Carolina) to have his belly drained. This became a weekly occurrence, but we were told it was normal and for a good while, Grandpa did GREAT! Everything looked good, so good that in August of this year, 2012, Grandpa was going every 2 weeks. We even hit one point where he was going every THREE weeks!
But in a matter of months, it went back to every week and the amount of fluid was increasing.
Between January and March, the tumors in Grandpa's liver doubled in size. He was scheduled for a procedure on the 24th of April to have inject medicine into his liver to kill the tumor.
But on the 21st, Grandpa had to go into the hospital because he was really swollen and a week later he was gone.
After his procedure was done, Grandpa was having a lot of pain and issues. On the afternoon of the 26th, Grandpa went into liver failure and kidney failure and was transferred from the liver and digestion wing to ICU. In the early hours of the morning on the 27th, Grandpa had a massive heart attack. Grandma and I made plans for your Tio Danny to come so we could all say our good byes.
Grandpa passed at 2:30am on Saturday, April 28th, 2012. He was comfortable, not in any pain and he went peacefully. Grandma stayed with him and she said it was like he fell asleep. I couldn't stay because I had to get you beautiful babies home and to sleep.
I miss your Grandpa every single day! He was a great daddy to me and I loved him so very, very much but I know that Grandpa is in a better place.
Ava,
You probably won't remember him at all, but know deep in your heart that he loved you more than I can ever put into words. It breaks my heart that he died when you were only 7 weeks old...you'll never know him and that makes me sad, but I promise to tell you all about him. And I apologize in advance that I have only 2 pictures of you and him together...I guess I figured I had so much more time left to get pictures of you with him. His eyes lit up every time. he saw you, but I think it's because he saw me in you. You look a lot like me when I was a baby. You are absolutely beautiful and I love you my little bean.
Aydan,
He was your partner in crime and your nap buddy. You were his little man and you always will be. It's funny because he had a gold necklace with a "G" charm on it that you wear all the time now. You won't let us take it off even for bed. I think even at 20 1/2 months, you know that's your only connection to him now. He loved you so much Aydan, that he thought you were you're Tio Danny sometimes, lol. You are growing into such an independent little boy every day and it makes me sad that you are doing so much on your own, because you don't "need" me for so much. But you still need me, tonight for example, you came and cuddled on my lap with me as your sister napped in her bassinet.
As much as I miss Grandpa, I know that he's watching over us, rejoicing in Heaven with Jesus and your Great-Grandma Luz and your Great-Grandpa Jorge. I see him in both of you everyday. I want you both to know that I promise to keep up with this blog so you have constant reminders of him and life as the two of you grow. I promise to show you lots of pictures of Grandpa so when the day comes, that you see him in Heaven, you'll know exactly who he is and you'll know all of the awesome things about him; like his laugh. I think it's one of the things I miss about him most, his laugh was contagious and he laughed from deep within him. I hear him laugh in my dreams and that gives me comfort.
Aydan & Ava, I love you both so very much, more than I can ever put into words. You are my joy, heart of my heart and I hope you never forget that.
Love,
Mommy <333
When I first decided to start up blogging again, it was for me. I never really intended for anyone to read it, not really. I did it because I needed a place to vent, a place to be me and not be judged.
But on April 28th, I realized that I couldn't just do it for myself anymore, it's something that I will have to share with you two, my beautiful babies :)
Just like the journals I kept when I was pregnant with each of you, where I recorded all the little things I wanted you to know or the things I wanted to pass along. I feel like it will probably help me too, more than I can realize now.
April 28th, 2012 will be a date that will forever be seared into my mind. That's the day that my father, your grandfather, Fredy passed away. Even typing it now, it still seems so surreal. There will come a day when you will ask me all the details surrounding your grandfather's passing and when you're old enough to understand and not be angry, I'll tell you, but for today, I will give you the facts.
In December of 2010, Grandpa was diagnosed with liver cancer. He was given a great outlook because it was caught early. But as time passed Grandpa started to develop fluid in his belly. Aydan, when you were about 7 months old, he had to start going to MUSC (Medical University of South Carolina) to have his belly drained. This became a weekly occurrence, but we were told it was normal and for a good while, Grandpa did GREAT! Everything looked good, so good that in August of this year, 2012, Grandpa was going every 2 weeks. We even hit one point where he was going every THREE weeks!
But in a matter of months, it went back to every week and the amount of fluid was increasing.
Between January and March, the tumors in Grandpa's liver doubled in size. He was scheduled for a procedure on the 24th of April to have inject medicine into his liver to kill the tumor.
But on the 21st, Grandpa had to go into the hospital because he was really swollen and a week later he was gone.
After his procedure was done, Grandpa was having a lot of pain and issues. On the afternoon of the 26th, Grandpa went into liver failure and kidney failure and was transferred from the liver and digestion wing to ICU. In the early hours of the morning on the 27th, Grandpa had a massive heart attack. Grandma and I made plans for your Tio Danny to come so we could all say our good byes.
Grandpa passed at 2:30am on Saturday, April 28th, 2012. He was comfortable, not in any pain and he went peacefully. Grandma stayed with him and she said it was like he fell asleep. I couldn't stay because I had to get you beautiful babies home and to sleep.
I miss your Grandpa every single day! He was a great daddy to me and I loved him so very, very much but I know that Grandpa is in a better place.
Ava,
You probably won't remember him at all, but know deep in your heart that he loved you more than I can ever put into words. It breaks my heart that he died when you were only 7 weeks old...you'll never know him and that makes me sad, but I promise to tell you all about him. And I apologize in advance that I have only 2 pictures of you and him together...I guess I figured I had so much more time left to get pictures of you with him. His eyes lit up every time. he saw you, but I think it's because he saw me in you. You look a lot like me when I was a baby. You are absolutely beautiful and I love you my little bean.
Aydan,
He was your partner in crime and your nap buddy. You were his little man and you always will be. It's funny because he had a gold necklace with a "G" charm on it that you wear all the time now. You won't let us take it off even for bed. I think even at 20 1/2 months, you know that's your only connection to him now. He loved you so much Aydan, that he thought you were you're Tio Danny sometimes, lol. You are growing into such an independent little boy every day and it makes me sad that you are doing so much on your own, because you don't "need" me for so much. But you still need me, tonight for example, you came and cuddled on my lap with me as your sister napped in her bassinet.
As much as I miss Grandpa, I know that he's watching over us, rejoicing in Heaven with Jesus and your Great-Grandma Luz and your Great-Grandpa Jorge. I see him in both of you everyday. I want you both to know that I promise to keep up with this blog so you have constant reminders of him and life as the two of you grow. I promise to show you lots of pictures of Grandpa so when the day comes, that you see him in Heaven, you'll know exactly who he is and you'll know all of the awesome things about him; like his laugh. I think it's one of the things I miss about him most, his laugh was contagious and he laughed from deep within him. I hear him laugh in my dreams and that gives me comfort.
Aydan & Ava, I love you both so very much, more than I can ever put into words. You are my joy, heart of my heart and I hope you never forget that.
Love,
Mommy <333
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