Rough Patch

Hey Babies!

The last few weeks have been rough for me. Grandma is back from her trip to CT and Tio Danny is living here too now. I'm off my schedule, the schedule that helped keep me sane when Grandma was gone.

I'm also having a hard time with my emotions. Since Grandpa died, I have been battling depression. It was a lot for me to take on after Ava was born. I didn't want to go on any prescriptions because I'm nursing but mainly because I don't want to admit that I'm overwhelmed in a way that I have never felt in my entire life. I don't know if I will ever share this with you when you are old enough to understand, but at least you'll hear it from me now, in this moment.
Part of me feels so very ashamed. Ashamed that I just don't want to deal with life, ashamed that part of.me just wants to shut down.

Last night awful for me. Ava, you have been sick and just wouldn't settle down for bed. It took two hours and I just got to the point where I reached my limit and I left you in the living room while I cleaned the kitchen. Grandma came and got you and rocked you to sleep. I felt like a failure as a mother.
Did I seriously not have another 15-20 minutes of patience to get my baby to sleep?!
I didn't. I was exhausted, I had a headache and I just wanted for you to go to sleep, so I could go to sleep.

After you were fast asleep and I had calmed down, I cried. Because I felt useless, weak, inadequate. I felt like I had no right being a mom. These are the things the enemy puts in my head. I know in my heart that I am an amazing mom, I would give my life for either of you in a second, I love you, I enjoy you. You make me laugh, you lift my spirits, you give this life meaning.

But I am overwhelmed. My brain doesn't know how to process the little things in life the way it used to. Instead, I lose my temper and I yell. This is NOT who I want to be. This is NOT who I want you guys to remember me as. I want you to look back on your childhood with smiles and warm fuzzy feelings.

I'm so sorry my loves! I'm sorry that in my grief, my mind has short circuited and my new way of processing things is with a negative perception.

I am calling to make an appointment tomorrow. I wanted to just take a natural supplement and feel normal again, but it isn't helping anymore and I need to do this so I can be the mom you need, the mom I want to be and the mom God is calling me to be.

I love you both very much and I hope if you ever need help, you won't ever be afraid to ask. There is NO weakeness in asking for help, only strength because you are strong enough to admit that you can't do it on your own.

xoxo
Mommy

Perfection...

Hello my babies!

This post is probably going to be one of the hardest things I ever write.

Perfection...perfect...all of us want to be it, want things to always work out and some people will spend their whole lives trying to make you believe either they are or their life is.
NO ONE is perfect, that's the beauty of the human race. When God created man, He created us with free will, the ability to choose. Adam and Eve sinned, out of human nature. Each day we walk with Christ, we are not aiming to be perfect, we are aiming to be more like God, to love like God, to be kind like God...God knows we will never achieve true perfection, until we reach heaven.

Long before either of you came to be, I thought I knew what it was to be a good parent. I thought of all the things I would or wouldn't do, all the things I would never say, but I never planned on the curve balls that life would throw my way. I never planned to have to say goodbye to your father only three short months after you were born, Aydan. Ava, I never planned for you not to know your Grandpa Fredy...I never planned to be the mother of two who spent more time in her grief than really cherishing the precious moments I have with you. I never planned to be the mother who's anxiety gets the best of her.

A few nights ago, Ava Sophia, you woke up at 4am and refused to go back to sleep until shortly before 6am. I was exhausted and frustrated and I spanked you. Harder than I ever meant to. It burned the tips of my fingers so I know I hurt you and typing it now, I'm crying. Mainly because my job as your mom is to love you and comfort you, to show you the loving side of life in general. And instead, I spanked you. Your poor calf was red with the marks of my fingers and all I could do was hold you and rock you and cry and tell you how sorry I was. You must have forgiven me because you put your sweet little hand to my face and just caressed my cheek, as if to say, " It's okay, Mommy. I love you."

Being a parent is a hard job, harder than I ever imagined possible, but is the greatest job I will ever have! I guess all I wanted to say is that I'm not perfect and I will never pretend to be. I will break your heart, because I am only human. And I'm so sorry.

I am trying every day to speak to you both with words of love and encouragement. To build you up, to make you proud of yourselves, to show you that you are enough, more than enough. To show you who God is as your heavenly Father. I'm trying to teach you and love you the best way I know how. Just know that I am trying to be the best mom that I can. Never, ever doubt how loved you are, how much of a blessing you are. I prayed for you both, I loved you before you were born, and I would give my life for either of you with out hesitation.

I sometimes wonder what God was thinking when He threw us all together and put us through the situations we have faced, but I know it's because we belong together. You were both sent to make me better, to make me love harder, to see the miraculous in the ordinary....I am better because of both of you and I love you more than I could ever put into words.

xoxo
Mommy