I am 6 months pregnant and I have yet to do a thing for the arrival of my sweet Avabean.
I haven't started a registry, washed clothes or anything like that. I am feeling highly unmotivated and I sometimes wonder if I would be more motivated with Dan home on the weekends. I am just feeling so overwhelmed with the birth of another child. Part of me feels like I am so unprepared to be the mother of a toddler and a newborn. Then I wonder how I'm going to go back to work after Avabean is born. *sigh*
I know that all these feelings are probably just a reaction of the hormones. But it's hard to get all these things together, I have to start being more proactive, I guess.
Maybe putting together a to-do list for the evenings will help...starting with going trio Aj's clothes tomorrow and washing a small load of Ava's stuff after that.
I'm a great mom, I know that much and I can handle two kids. They are both blessings and I am forever grateful for the opportunity to be their mothers.
28 November 2011
26 November 2011
Better Days
I am feeling a little bit like a slacker since I haven't blogged in almost 2 months!
But in the end there hasn't been much to complain about it. It is ironic that I am taking the time to post tonight and Dan is at another USC game, haha.
Life is good. Ava is growing just like she should and I am realizing that with the help of the women in the PL&G group, I am so much more aware of things then I was when I was pregnant with Aj. This time around, I will be using reusable nursing pads, amber necklaces, a Beco carrier and am going to have both of my kids ERF. I feel extremely lucky to have these women who have shared their knowledge with me and are making me a better mom for BOTH of my kids. Who do it in a loving manner and don't make me feel stupid.
In the spirit of being thankful, I am beyond thankful for Dan. He isn't perfect but he loves me like nobody else. I know that me and our children will always be his first priority and that our relationship is more precious to him than anything in this life. But moe than anything else is that lately he reminds me of how beautiful he thinks I am. As I enter the 6th month of this blessed pregnancy I am finding myself more uncomfortable and more uneasy in my own skin....and that reminder makes me feel really good about myself. He has taken the time in the last few weeks to remind me of how much he loves me.
I am so thankful for my kids, even though for the moment Ava is safe and secure in my womb, I am so thankful for her. Each of them have played their part in making me feel complete. Aydan and Ava are my greatest joy and I wouldn't have either of them without Dan. It's funny how you think you know EXACTLY what you need/want in a future mate and then God comes along and gives you all things you needed but never knew you wanted.
I am so blessed.
But in the end there hasn't been much to complain about it. It is ironic that I am taking the time to post tonight and Dan is at another USC game, haha.
Life is good. Ava is growing just like she should and I am realizing that with the help of the women in the PL&G group, I am so much more aware of things then I was when I was pregnant with Aj. This time around, I will be using reusable nursing pads, amber necklaces, a Beco carrier and am going to have both of my kids ERF. I feel extremely lucky to have these women who have shared their knowledge with me and are making me a better mom for BOTH of my kids. Who do it in a loving manner and don't make me feel stupid.
In the spirit of being thankful, I am beyond thankful for Dan. He isn't perfect but he loves me like nobody else. I know that me and our children will always be his first priority and that our relationship is more precious to him than anything in this life. But moe than anything else is that lately he reminds me of how beautiful he thinks I am. As I enter the 6th month of this blessed pregnancy I am finding myself more uncomfortable and more uneasy in my own skin....and that reminder makes me feel really good about myself. He has taken the time in the last few weeks to remind me of how much he loves me.
I am so thankful for my kids, even though for the moment Ava is safe and secure in my womb, I am so thankful for her. Each of them have played their part in making me feel complete. Aydan and Ava are my greatest joy and I wouldn't have either of them without Dan. It's funny how you think you know EXACTLY what you need/want in a future mate and then God comes along and gives you all things you needed but never knew you wanted.
I am so blessed.
19 September 2011
Guilt
I forget sometimes how cleansing crying your heart can be at times.
After posting my blog and taking a shower, I tried to unwind and sort out the feelings in my mind. I layed in bed trying to sort out why I was so upset with Dan. Why my feeling were so hurt? Why I feel the need to be so obsessive with his time?
Then it struck me. I hate to label it as a "Daddy issue" but I guess it is in the long run. For the greater part of my life, my father has been an alcoholic. There aren't many people that even know, mainly because I was so embarassed that his lack of control would reflect poorly on me. I have seen things that I will make sure Aj and Jellybean NEVER have to see. My father never had the self control to just walk away. And there are times where I hate him for it. He was too busy getting drunk somewhere that he couldn't be bothered to show up to my highschool graduation....it never bothered me until recently.
Not only does he have dementia, but now he has liver cancer. He has robbed time from me, my brother, my kids and most of all, my mother, who has loved him since she was 16. She has stood by him through it all and she stands by him still. It makes me angry that he makes light of the situation we ALL find ourselves in now. If anything, life has great timing. Dan was gone for about a month and a half when Dad was diagnosed. *sigh*
In short, I have an anxiety of being put on the back burner. When it comes to Dan, he almost never does, unless his family is invloved. This isn't the first time. When we went up to CT for my baby shower, he pretty much left my at my parents apartment to go hang out with his friends. I took it thinking, "It'll change once the baby gets here". Apparently not. Thanks to my father, I fear that the men I'm supposed to depend on will find something more important than being with me or being there for me. Maybe because they haven't. It's amazing to think that in the moment, an event makes no difference, but little do you know, it's shaping you into the person you will become.
I explained that to my husband after he decided to come to bed at almost 11pm. Then I felt guilty for pushing these feelings on my husband and then for not being the "supportive" wife I'm supposed to be. It's amazing how we can go from feeling justified in our rage to then feeling guilty for that rage. I am just thankful that David is leaving tonight and I get my husband back to myself. I hate to say it, but I am so selfish when it comes to him. I hate having to share him, he's my husband, my best friend and my better half (most days).
After posting my blog and taking a shower, I tried to unwind and sort out the feelings in my mind. I layed in bed trying to sort out why I was so upset with Dan. Why my feeling were so hurt? Why I feel the need to be so obsessive with his time?
Then it struck me. I hate to label it as a "Daddy issue" but I guess it is in the long run. For the greater part of my life, my father has been an alcoholic. There aren't many people that even know, mainly because I was so embarassed that his lack of control would reflect poorly on me. I have seen things that I will make sure Aj and Jellybean NEVER have to see. My father never had the self control to just walk away. And there are times where I hate him for it. He was too busy getting drunk somewhere that he couldn't be bothered to show up to my highschool graduation....it never bothered me until recently.
Not only does he have dementia, but now he has liver cancer. He has robbed time from me, my brother, my kids and most of all, my mother, who has loved him since she was 16. She has stood by him through it all and she stands by him still. It makes me angry that he makes light of the situation we ALL find ourselves in now. If anything, life has great timing. Dan was gone for about a month and a half when Dad was diagnosed. *sigh*
In short, I have an anxiety of being put on the back burner. When it comes to Dan, he almost never does, unless his family is invloved. This isn't the first time. When we went up to CT for my baby shower, he pretty much left my at my parents apartment to go hang out with his friends. I took it thinking, "It'll change once the baby gets here". Apparently not. Thanks to my father, I fear that the men I'm supposed to depend on will find something more important than being with me or being there for me. Maybe because they haven't. It's amazing to think that in the moment, an event makes no difference, but little do you know, it's shaping you into the person you will become.
I explained that to my husband after he decided to come to bed at almost 11pm. Then I felt guilty for pushing these feelings on my husband and then for not being the "supportive" wife I'm supposed to be. It's amazing how we can go from feeling justified in our rage to then feeling guilty for that rage. I am just thankful that David is leaving tonight and I get my husband back to myself. I hate to say it, but I am so selfish when it comes to him. I hate having to share him, he's my husband, my best friend and my better half (most days).
18 September 2011
Underappreciated
I have to credit my friend Meg Spisak for giving me the push to do this and share....thanks Meg :)
As of right now, I am in my bedroom contemplating why my husband is out playing COD with his brother instead of getting ready for bed with me. I have barely spent any time with Dan this entire weekend. David, his brother, is visiting from CT and I know that it's been forever since they've seen each other, but I think my DH has forgotten that he has other responsibilities.
Friday night, they went out bar-hopping after Aj went to bed. I, of course wasn't invited, who wants to invite their pregnant wife, right? He didn't come home until 1am, then proceeded to play video games until about 3am. Of course, when Aj wakes up at 3:30am, Dan is passed out, so once again, I have to get up with my sweet baby boy and then bring him to bed with me because I just don't have the energy at all anymore to fight with him to stay in his crib in his room. And in all honesty, I love being able to cuddle with my Aj.
Saturday morning, Aj is up and ready to go at 7am. Oh joy! Mommy duty begins again :) Dan sleeps in until 8am and then reminds my mother, who got up to help me with Aydan, that he wasn't going to let me have to take care of Aj alone. All he does is give him breakfast. Everytime Aj gets into something, I'm running after him. At 9:30am, I am beyond exhausted and bring my little baby into my bedroom to lay down and take a nap with Mommy, which never happens, but I wanted to cuddle with my baby. Dan then decides to lay down with us. Aj and I nap until about 11am when my husband decides to "sneak" back into our room and tries to have SEX while Aj is sleeping right next to me. Really? His reasoning, "I missed you last night". Wow, I'm so glad that you missing me equates to wanting to "hit it and quit it". I say this because my husband was planning on leaving at 12:30pm for a University of South Carolina football game. I simply told him to shower so when his ride showed up, he didn't keep them waiting. I spent the rest of the day with my mother and my son. At around 5pm, I have a total breakdown. My amazing mother, comforts me and simply tells me that he just doesn't get it.
When Aj was 3 months old, Dan deployed. I was breastfeeding and shortly after, I went back to work. I barely went out and couldn't bear to be aware from Aj longer than my workday. So, I hung out with my baby and my parents and a few friends. Then Dan came home and I was so looking forward to doing things and being able to go out without feeling guilty leaving him with my mom. Dan and I have had ONE date night since he got home. He got home in May, it's freaking September. He is always spending money and I go without, because he complains about money. I don't even want to think of how much money he spent this weekend at the game and then buying stuff to tailgate.
All I want is to go and get a pedicure without being made to feel guilty. For the longest time, I did it at home, but now, I just don't have the energy. But I think I deserve to go out and get away from being a Mom the same way he gets to get away from being a dad. Someone said, "our husbands don't yearn for our children the way we do as moms" and I couldn't agree more. But I feel like he gets to do so much more and I am left being Mommy; a job that I love more than I ever thought possible. But for me to be a good Mom, I need to get some time for me. Going to work Monday-Friday isn't me time. It's work! Then I have to come home and do more work. This weekend wasn't restful at all because I had to play Mom & Dad for Aj. I can handle doing that when Dan is deployed, but I don't think it's fair in the least bit that I have to do it when he's home.
Dan has ALS (Airman Leadership School) at 7am tomorrow morning. I thought he would want to get to bed so he could be well rested for an 8 hour day of class, but that's silly, apparently. I guess he's forgotten who's been there supporting him everytime he took the test to become a SSgt. I guess he's also forgetting who helped him put his ribbon rack together so that his blues would be ready for his first day of class on Friday.
It's just been an ongoing saga this weekend and I once again am left to comtemplate what the f*$% just happend this weekend. I'm tired, pregnant and emotional and all I want to do it cry because I need him and he's rather play COD. There are days when I want to thrown the Xbox out the freaking window.
As of right now, I am in my bedroom contemplating why my husband is out playing COD with his brother instead of getting ready for bed with me. I have barely spent any time with Dan this entire weekend. David, his brother, is visiting from CT and I know that it's been forever since they've seen each other, but I think my DH has forgotten that he has other responsibilities.
Friday night, they went out bar-hopping after Aj went to bed. I, of course wasn't invited, who wants to invite their pregnant wife, right? He didn't come home until 1am, then proceeded to play video games until about 3am. Of course, when Aj wakes up at 3:30am, Dan is passed out, so once again, I have to get up with my sweet baby boy and then bring him to bed with me because I just don't have the energy at all anymore to fight with him to stay in his crib in his room. And in all honesty, I love being able to cuddle with my Aj.
Saturday morning, Aj is up and ready to go at 7am. Oh joy! Mommy duty begins again :) Dan sleeps in until 8am and then reminds my mother, who got up to help me with Aydan, that he wasn't going to let me have to take care of Aj alone. All he does is give him breakfast. Everytime Aj gets into something, I'm running after him. At 9:30am, I am beyond exhausted and bring my little baby into my bedroom to lay down and take a nap with Mommy, which never happens, but I wanted to cuddle with my baby. Dan then decides to lay down with us. Aj and I nap until about 11am when my husband decides to "sneak" back into our room and tries to have SEX while Aj is sleeping right next to me. Really? His reasoning, "I missed you last night". Wow, I'm so glad that you missing me equates to wanting to "hit it and quit it". I say this because my husband was planning on leaving at 12:30pm for a University of South Carolina football game. I simply told him to shower so when his ride showed up, he didn't keep them waiting. I spent the rest of the day with my mother and my son. At around 5pm, I have a total breakdown. My amazing mother, comforts me and simply tells me that he just doesn't get it.
When Aj was 3 months old, Dan deployed. I was breastfeeding and shortly after, I went back to work. I barely went out and couldn't bear to be aware from Aj longer than my workday. So, I hung out with my baby and my parents and a few friends. Then Dan came home and I was so looking forward to doing things and being able to go out without feeling guilty leaving him with my mom. Dan and I have had ONE date night since he got home. He got home in May, it's freaking September. He is always spending money and I go without, because he complains about money. I don't even want to think of how much money he spent this weekend at the game and then buying stuff to tailgate.
All I want is to go and get a pedicure without being made to feel guilty. For the longest time, I did it at home, but now, I just don't have the energy. But I think I deserve to go out and get away from being a Mom the same way he gets to get away from being a dad. Someone said, "our husbands don't yearn for our children the way we do as moms" and I couldn't agree more. But I feel like he gets to do so much more and I am left being Mommy; a job that I love more than I ever thought possible. But for me to be a good Mom, I need to get some time for me. Going to work Monday-Friday isn't me time. It's work! Then I have to come home and do more work. This weekend wasn't restful at all because I had to play Mom & Dad for Aj. I can handle doing that when Dan is deployed, but I don't think it's fair in the least bit that I have to do it when he's home.
Dan has ALS (Airman Leadership School) at 7am tomorrow morning. I thought he would want to get to bed so he could be well rested for an 8 hour day of class, but that's silly, apparently. I guess he's forgotten who's been there supporting him everytime he took the test to become a SSgt. I guess he's also forgetting who helped him put his ribbon rack together so that his blues would be ready for his first day of class on Friday.
It's just been an ongoing saga this weekend and I once again am left to comtemplate what the f*$% just happend this weekend. I'm tired, pregnant and emotional and all I want to do it cry because I need him and he's rather play COD. There are days when I want to thrown the Xbox out the freaking window.
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