Rough Patch

Hey Babies!

The last few weeks have been rough for me. Grandma is back from her trip to CT and Tio Danny is living here too now. I'm off my schedule, the schedule that helped keep me sane when Grandma was gone.

I'm also having a hard time with my emotions. Since Grandpa died, I have been battling depression. It was a lot for me to take on after Ava was born. I didn't want to go on any prescriptions because I'm nursing but mainly because I don't want to admit that I'm overwhelmed in a way that I have never felt in my entire life. I don't know if I will ever share this with you when you are old enough to understand, but at least you'll hear it from me now, in this moment.
Part of me feels so very ashamed. Ashamed that I just don't want to deal with life, ashamed that part of.me just wants to shut down.

Last night awful for me. Ava, you have been sick and just wouldn't settle down for bed. It took two hours and I just got to the point where I reached my limit and I left you in the living room while I cleaned the kitchen. Grandma came and got you and rocked you to sleep. I felt like a failure as a mother.
Did I seriously not have another 15-20 minutes of patience to get my baby to sleep?!
I didn't. I was exhausted, I had a headache and I just wanted for you to go to sleep, so I could go to sleep.

After you were fast asleep and I had calmed down, I cried. Because I felt useless, weak, inadequate. I felt like I had no right being a mom. These are the things the enemy puts in my head. I know in my heart that I am an amazing mom, I would give my life for either of you in a second, I love you, I enjoy you. You make me laugh, you lift my spirits, you give this life meaning.

But I am overwhelmed. My brain doesn't know how to process the little things in life the way it used to. Instead, I lose my temper and I yell. This is NOT who I want to be. This is NOT who I want you guys to remember me as. I want you to look back on your childhood with smiles and warm fuzzy feelings.

I'm so sorry my loves! I'm sorry that in my grief, my mind has short circuited and my new way of processing things is with a negative perception.

I am calling to make an appointment tomorrow. I wanted to just take a natural supplement and feel normal again, but it isn't helping anymore and I need to do this so I can be the mom you need, the mom I want to be and the mom God is calling me to be.

I love you both very much and I hope if you ever need help, you won't ever be afraid to ask. There is NO weakeness in asking for help, only strength because you are strong enough to admit that you can't do it on your own.

xoxo
Mommy