Signs

It's been one crazy week my little ones.

It was the first Mother's Day without Grandpa. I have no idea why it was so hard for me, but it was. I missed him so much. Maybe because I figured I had more time...that seems to be what hits me the most. That and guilt....pointless guilt, false guilt.
I feel guilty that I couldn't stay with Grandpa until he took his last breath. There is this tiny voice in the back of my head that says I should have stayed, but I know I couldn't have. I had to bring you babies home and I know in the deepest part of my heart, that is what your Grandpa would have wanted.

Grandma and I have come to the conclusion that Grandpa is my guardian angel. Since Grandpa passed, I have been praying and asking God for a sign from Grandpa just to know that he's alright. In retrospect, it seems silly. I know that Grandpa is in Heaven rejoicing, but I can't help but worry. Well about two weeks after Grandpa passed, I had a dream where I was being chased by a man who meant me harm. As I was running down a long corridor, I looked and saw Grandpa, but it was just the back of him. What caught my eye the most was a white and blue baseball shirt he was wearing and his Christmas pajama bottoms. When I went to go back, Grandpa was gone.
The second dream I had was just a few days ago and it was about us visiting a bakery in the town I grew up in. The entire dream, I knew Grandpa had passed, but he was there the whole time, watching from a distance. He didn't speak to anyone but me. When we arrived to the bakery, he asked what we were doing there and I told him we were going to try out some cakes from the bakery. I asked him if he wanted anything and he said, "No, I'm okay." I can hear his voice in my head now as I type; and he kept repeating it, "I'm okay, I'm okay", almost like he needed to stress it to me, needed it to sink into my head.I realize now, that was the sign I was asking God for.
The last thing is this: I woke up in the middle of the night last Thursday to feed Miss Avabean and after she was done and I was tucking you in to your co-sleeper, I heard Grandpa clearing his throat right outside my bedroom door. I would know that sound anywhere and I know it was him.
So, I'm done asking God for signs, because I know now that Grandpa is okay. It doesn't change how much I miss him, but I am a little bit more at peace.

I know that he's watching over you kids too! Aydan, for the first time in your life, you have started talking in your sleep. You were carrying on a conversation, but all Grandma heard from you is, "Yeah. Yeah! Okay!". I know without a doubt that you're talking to Grandpa. I also know, that in your own way, at only 21 months old, you miss him a lot. But I think that's why Grandpa keeps visiting you in your dreams. It's funny because Grandma told me you were talking in your sleep again last night and I asked you if you were talking to Grandpa. You looked at me as if it was the silliest question in the world, smiled and said, "Yes, Mommy". That was all I needed. He loved you so much kiddo, don't ever forget that.

It was also a very exciting time in the Jedziniak household, or as I like to call it, Casa Jedziniak...lol Aydan Lucas, on May 14th, 2012, you peed on the potty for the FIRST TIME!!! I was at Babies R Us with Grandma and Avabean getting diapers for Avabean when Daddy called me. You were so proud. I talked to you on the phone and you said, "Mommy, I did it, I did it!" and then you hung up on me. You are one clever little boy and you love to play on our cell phones and call random numbers....sometimes, the numbers aren't so random and you have called Tio Danny, Mama, and your Tio Ricky. It's actually quite hilarious. You've also sent text messages and commented on people's Facebook statuses from Daddy's phone; you are too clever my son!

Avabean, my little beauty queen, you are getting prettier by the day. And I'm not just saying that because I'm your Mommy, you really are stunning! You have fair skin, dark curly hair and beautiful blue grey eyes. My pretty little jellybean, how I love you so! You are growing so much and you are becoming quite the little ham. You love to smile! You have the sweetest toothless grin and I'm going to enjoy this time as much as I can and soak it up because you'll be cutting teeth and crawling around before I know it. You are starting to look so much like Aydan, it's scary. But scary in a good way. Don't be surprised if people ask if you're twins when you get older, it happened to Tio Danny and I. We don't look so much alike now, but we couldn't deny being siblings even if we wanted to.

Love each other deeply and know without a shadow of a doubt that even though I might not always get it right, I love you more than I can ever put into words and everything I do is with you as my top priorities. You are my beautiful, healthy babies and I thank God for giving me the opportunity to be the mother to two amazing little souls.


Mommy xoxo