It's Not for Me, but for You..

Aydan & Ava,

When I first decided to start up blogging again, it was for me. I never really intended for anyone to read it, not really. I did it because I needed a place to vent, a place to be me and not be judged.

But on April 28th, I realized that I couldn't just do it for myself anymore, it's something that I will have to share with you two, my beautiful babies :)
Just like the journals I kept when I was pregnant with each of you, where I recorded all the little things I wanted you to know or the things I wanted to pass along. I feel like it will probably help me too, more than I can realize now.

April 28th, 2012 will be a date that will forever be seared into my mind. That's the day that my father, your grandfather, Fredy passed away. Even typing it now, it still seems so surreal. There will come a day when you will ask me all the details surrounding your grandfather's passing and when you're old enough to understand and not be angry, I'll tell you, but for today, I will give you the facts.

In December of 2010, Grandpa was diagnosed with liver cancer. He was given a great outlook because it was caught early. But as time passed Grandpa started to develop fluid in his belly. Aydan, when you were about 7 months old, he had to start going to MUSC (Medical University of South Carolina) to have his belly drained. This became a weekly occurrence, but we were told it was normal and for a good while, Grandpa did GREAT! Everything looked good, so good that in August of this year, 2012, Grandpa was going every 2 weeks. We even hit one point where he was going every THREE weeks!
But in a matter of months, it went back to every week and the amount of fluid was increasing.
Between January and March, the tumors in Grandpa's liver doubled in size. He was scheduled for a procedure on the 24th of April to have inject medicine into his liver to kill the tumor.
But on the 21st, Grandpa had to go into the hospital because he was really swollen and a week later he was gone.
After his procedure was done, Grandpa was having a lot of pain and issues. On the afternoon of the 26th, Grandpa went into liver failure and kidney failure and was transferred from the liver and digestion wing to ICU. In the early hours of the morning on the 27th, Grandpa had a massive heart attack. Grandma and I made plans for your Tio Danny to come so we could all say our good byes.
Grandpa passed at 2:30am on Saturday, April 28th, 2012. He was comfortable, not in any pain and he went peacefully. Grandma stayed with him and she said it was like he fell asleep. I couldn't stay because I had to get you beautiful babies home and to sleep.

I miss your Grandpa every single day! He was a great daddy to me and I loved him so very, very much but I know that Grandpa is in a better place.

Ava,
You probably won't remember him at all, but know deep in your heart that he loved you more than I can ever put into words. It breaks my heart that he died when you were only 7 weeks old...you'll never know him and that makes me sad, but I promise to tell you all about him. And I apologize in advance that I have only 2 pictures of you and him together...I guess I figured I had so much more time left to get pictures of you with him. His eyes lit up every time. he saw you, but I think it's because he saw me in you. You look a lot like me when I was a baby. You are absolutely beautiful and I love you my little bean.

Aydan,
He was your partner in crime and your nap buddy. You were his little man and you always will be. It's funny because he had a gold necklace with a "G" charm on it that you wear all the time now. You won't let us take it off even for bed. I think even at 20 1/2 months, you know that's your only connection to him now. He loved you so much Aydan, that he thought you were you're Tio Danny sometimes, lol. You are growing into such an independent little boy every day and it makes me sad that you are doing so much on your own, because you don't "need" me for so much. But you still need me, tonight for example, you came and cuddled on my lap with me as your sister napped in her bassinet.

As much as I miss Grandpa, I know that he's watching over us, rejoicing in Heaven with Jesus and your Great-Grandma Luz and your Great-Grandpa Jorge. I see him in both of you everyday. I want you both to know that I promise to keep up with this blog so you have constant reminders of him and life as the two of you grow. I promise to show you lots of pictures of Grandpa so when the day comes, that you see him in Heaven, you'll know exactly who he is and you'll know all of the awesome things about him; like his laugh. I think it's one of the things I miss about him most, his laugh was contagious and he laughed from deep within him. I hear him laugh in my dreams and that gives me comfort.

Aydan & Ava, I love you both so very much, more than I can ever put into words. You are my joy, heart of my heart and I hope you never forget that.

Love,
Mommy <333