Guilt

I forget sometimes how cleansing crying your heart can be at times.
After posting my blog and taking a shower, I tried to unwind and sort out the feelings in my mind. I layed in bed trying to sort out why I was so upset with Dan. Why my feeling were so hurt? Why I feel the need to be so obsessive with his time?

Then it struck me. I hate to label it as a "Daddy issue" but I guess it is in the long run. For the greater part of my life, my father has been an alcoholic. There aren't many people that even know, mainly because I was so embarassed that his lack of control would reflect poorly on me. I have seen things that I will make sure Aj and Jellybean NEVER have to see. My father never had the self control to just walk away. And there are times where I hate him for it. He was too busy getting drunk somewhere that he couldn't be bothered to show up to my highschool graduation....it never bothered me until recently.

Not only does he have dementia, but now he has liver cancer. He has robbed time from me, my brother, my kids and most of all, my mother, who has loved him since she was 16. She has stood by him through it all and she stands by him still. It makes me angry that he makes light of the situation we ALL find ourselves in now. If anything, life has great timing. Dan was gone for about a month and a half when Dad was diagnosed. *sigh*

In short, I have an anxiety of being put on the back burner. When it comes to Dan, he almost never does, unless his family is invloved. This isn't the first time. When we went up to CT for my baby shower, he pretty much left my at my parents apartment to go hang out with his friends. I took it thinking, "It'll change once the baby gets here". Apparently not. Thanks to my father, I fear that the men I'm supposed to depend on will find something more important than being with me or being there for me. Maybe because they haven't. It's amazing to think that in the moment, an event makes no difference, but little do you know, it's shaping you into the person you will become.

I explained that to my husband after he decided to come to bed at almost 11pm. Then I felt guilty for pushing these feelings on my husband and then for not being the "supportive" wife I'm supposed to be. It's amazing how we can go from feeling justified in our rage to then feeling guilty for that rage. I am just thankful that David is leaving tonight and I get my husband back to myself. I hate to say it, but I am so selfish when it comes to him. I hate having to share him, he's my husband, my best friend and my better half (most days).