Rough Patch

Hey Babies!

The last few weeks have been rough for me. Grandma is back from her trip to CT and Tio Danny is living here too now. I'm off my schedule, the schedule that helped keep me sane when Grandma was gone.

I'm also having a hard time with my emotions. Since Grandpa died, I have been battling depression. It was a lot for me to take on after Ava was born. I didn't want to go on any prescriptions because I'm nursing but mainly because I don't want to admit that I'm overwhelmed in a way that I have never felt in my entire life. I don't know if I will ever share this with you when you are old enough to understand, but at least you'll hear it from me now, in this moment.
Part of me feels so very ashamed. Ashamed that I just don't want to deal with life, ashamed that part of.me just wants to shut down.

Last night awful for me. Ava, you have been sick and just wouldn't settle down for bed. It took two hours and I just got to the point where I reached my limit and I left you in the living room while I cleaned the kitchen. Grandma came and got you and rocked you to sleep. I felt like a failure as a mother.
Did I seriously not have another 15-20 minutes of patience to get my baby to sleep?!
I didn't. I was exhausted, I had a headache and I just wanted for you to go to sleep, so I could go to sleep.

After you were fast asleep and I had calmed down, I cried. Because I felt useless, weak, inadequate. I felt like I had no right being a mom. These are the things the enemy puts in my head. I know in my heart that I am an amazing mom, I would give my life for either of you in a second, I love you, I enjoy you. You make me laugh, you lift my spirits, you give this life meaning.

But I am overwhelmed. My brain doesn't know how to process the little things in life the way it used to. Instead, I lose my temper and I yell. This is NOT who I want to be. This is NOT who I want you guys to remember me as. I want you to look back on your childhood with smiles and warm fuzzy feelings.

I'm so sorry my loves! I'm sorry that in my grief, my mind has short circuited and my new way of processing things is with a negative perception.

I am calling to make an appointment tomorrow. I wanted to just take a natural supplement and feel normal again, but it isn't helping anymore and I need to do this so I can be the mom you need, the mom I want to be and the mom God is calling me to be.

I love you both very much and I hope if you ever need help, you won't ever be afraid to ask. There is NO weakeness in asking for help, only strength because you are strong enough to admit that you can't do it on your own.

xoxo
Mommy

Perfection...

Hello my babies!

This post is probably going to be one of the hardest things I ever write.

Perfection...perfect...all of us want to be it, want things to always work out and some people will spend their whole lives trying to make you believe either they are or their life is.
NO ONE is perfect, that's the beauty of the human race. When God created man, He created us with free will, the ability to choose. Adam and Eve sinned, out of human nature. Each day we walk with Christ, we are not aiming to be perfect, we are aiming to be more like God, to love like God, to be kind like God...God knows we will never achieve true perfection, until we reach heaven.

Long before either of you came to be, I thought I knew what it was to be a good parent. I thought of all the things I would or wouldn't do, all the things I would never say, but I never planned on the curve balls that life would throw my way. I never planned to have to say goodbye to your father only three short months after you were born, Aydan. Ava, I never planned for you not to know your Grandpa Fredy...I never planned to be the mother of two who spent more time in her grief than really cherishing the precious moments I have with you. I never planned to be the mother who's anxiety gets the best of her.

A few nights ago, Ava Sophia, you woke up at 4am and refused to go back to sleep until shortly before 6am. I was exhausted and frustrated and I spanked you. Harder than I ever meant to. It burned the tips of my fingers so I know I hurt you and typing it now, I'm crying. Mainly because my job as your mom is to love you and comfort you, to show you the loving side of life in general. And instead, I spanked you. Your poor calf was red with the marks of my fingers and all I could do was hold you and rock you and cry and tell you how sorry I was. You must have forgiven me because you put your sweet little hand to my face and just caressed my cheek, as if to say, " It's okay, Mommy. I love you."

Being a parent is a hard job, harder than I ever imagined possible, but is the greatest job I will ever have! I guess all I wanted to say is that I'm not perfect and I will never pretend to be. I will break your heart, because I am only human. And I'm so sorry.

I am trying every day to speak to you both with words of love and encouragement. To build you up, to make you proud of yourselves, to show you that you are enough, more than enough. To show you who God is as your heavenly Father. I'm trying to teach you and love you the best way I know how. Just know that I am trying to be the best mom that I can. Never, ever doubt how loved you are, how much of a blessing you are. I prayed for you both, I loved you before you were born, and I would give my life for either of you with out hesitation.

I sometimes wonder what God was thinking when He threw us all together and put us through the situations we have faced, but I know it's because we belong together. You were both sent to make me better, to make me love harder, to see the miraculous in the ordinary....I am better because of both of you and I love you more than I could ever put into words.

xoxo
Mommy

Everything responds to love...

Hey Littles!!!

It is almost midnight on January 12th, tomorrow would have been your Grandpa's 69th birthday. He wouldn't have wanted to make a big deal out of it, he never wanted his birthdays to be a big deal, that was part of how he was...I really miss him. I think I will spend the day telling you guys all about him and printing out pictures for your photo albums...what an awesome way to celebrate his birthday!

Anyway, the main reason why I am writing this short little note is to tell you both how much you love and adore each other even now. We co-sleep, which means we all sleep in the same bed. It keeps everyone happy and for the most part, we all sleep pretty well. Since you sweet littles go to sleep earlier than me, when I do come to bed, I get to see how you look for each other. Tonight, Ava is snuggled up close to her big brother sleeping more soundly then most nights. This....melts my heart! You guys know that you are safe together, you know that you are from the same tree, if you will, the same love created you both. I realize in this moment that the more love I pour into you and into raising you, the more love you will show to the world. And it's already starting to show...

xoxo
Momma

What now?!

Hello again babies!

Things are good, the weather is amazing and I have a quick memory of your Grandpa that I wanted to share with you both....take a walk down memory lane with me, won't you?

I am 9 months pregnant, pretty much ready to pop and it is the middle of AUGUST in South Carolina. Your grandparents have only been here a couple days as we await Aydan's arrival and I am facing another restless and sleepless night. Grandma was already sleeping and I think Daddy had to work. I am sitting in the living room rocking in the blue recliner, which is currently in our garage, hoping to get even a little reprieve from heartburn. Your Grandpa and I are watching 20/20. We don't talk much but it is a great comfort to know that I am not alone. We talk about how different life is, how ready I am to finally hold my little boy and how glad I am they are here to share in this huge moment with me and your Daddy.

That feeling of comfort and peace washes over me again as I type this. Just knowing that my Dad was there with me, keeping me company brings a smile to my face. We didn't talk much, but we didn't need to. I was his baby and he was my dad and he was there. I miss just having him here. I missing knowing that I could walk upstairs and just see him, know that he was there.

Hold tight to the memories you have of the ones you love most. Unfortunately, one day they will be gone and that will be all you have left. I love you both to the moon and back!

XOXO
Momma

Everything in God's Timing

I have never been one to judge God's timing, I know deep in my heart that everything happens for a reason. But I am only human and cannot help but wonder, "why now?"

I have been an official stay at home mom for almost 4 months now and it has been quite an adjustment, for all of us. But we are making it work and I love every moment of it, even the moments where you make me crazy.

I have been doing some serious soul searching and trying to figure things out. Last Sunday, we went to church and the speaker said EXACTLY what I needed to hear.

Since I became a SAHM, I have often wondered how bills would be paid, how ends would be met, I have feared for the future. I have only been maintaining the present because I am afraid. I should be engaging it, engaging both of you! Enjoying each and every precious moment because the time passes so quickly and I refuse to have any regrets when I look back on this time we have shared.

After Ava's first birthday, I will be opening an Etsy shop. I am terrified, but I know that God is going to bless this venture because it is something He placed on my heart in July of 2012! He will make a way, it may not be the way I want it to happen, but it WILL happen!

Trust in the Lord, my beautiful babies! He will provide, He will protect and He will guide each and every single one of your steps. I know this, because He has done it for me. As I look back, I can see all the times He closed a door on an opportunity only to provide me with something EVEN BETTER!

The desires of your heart will be given to you, you just have to wait on God's timing!

Love you!!

xoxox
Momma

I Love You!

Dear Aydan & Avabean,
I went to the grocery store this afternoon with Avabean while Aydan napped and while walking around, I decided to look at Father's Day cards since it is coming up in a few weeks. I saw all the cards for Dads from their daughters and my heart broke. This will be the first Father's Day without Grandpa and I miss him so much!

My favorite singer/songwriter, Jason Mraz, worded it the best:
"The reason it hurts so bad when someone passes away is because we lose the ability to tell them we love them."
All I want to do most days is tell Grandpa just how much I really love him and I guess that's why seeing those cards hurt so much...I'll never be able to tell him that again. Tell everyone just how much you love them every single day kids, because when the time comes for them to go home to Jesus, you won't be able to anymore. It's just another reason why I tell you kids everyday! I never want you to forget how much I love you, but mainly, I love being able to tell you that I do!

On the 14th of May, I started a bible study on Proverbs 31. It is essentially what God wants us to be as wives and mothers and what men should look for when searching for their future wife.
It has been so healing for me to see where I can improve. I try every day to be the best mother and wife that I can be but I am not perfect. I, like you, fall short of God's grace and need a Savior.

Over the past few weeks, I have discovered the following things:
1) I need to get back to God. I had an amazing relationship with Christ when your father and I first met, but as life has gone on, deployments have been announced, I have strayed. My faith hasn't changed at all; I still believe and know in my heart that God is real and that he sacrificed his one and only son, Jesus Christ, to pay the ultimate price for my sins. But I have slowly stopped praying as often as I should and stopped reading the word. I'm trying though because I want to be a good example not just for you but for your father. I want to love him the way Christ wants me to love him.

2) I am going to try harder to have "eager hands". I am going to see all my housework and mundane tasks with joy knowing that I am providing a humble home for my family. I am going to do them with ah heart full of thanksgiving knowing that I wouldn't have a family to do this for if it were not for God blessing me with one.

3) I cannot do everything on my own and it's okay to ask for help and admit that I cannot do things alone. I am realizing that even more now that it's been a month and two days since Grandpa has passed. I need to remind myself that it is healthy and normal to feel lost and need help because we are only human. Never feel negatively in needing help, my dear babies. It doesn't make you weak at all, it makes you stronger for being able to admit that you need help. It is through Christ that we find our strength, we are never meant to go through hard times alone...He is always alongside us, guiding our steps.

I love you both more than words could ever express!

Mommy

Two Sleeping Babies

Aydan & Ava,
Hello again my beautiful kiddos!
You are both napping right now, which is a rarity lately in this house.

Avabean, you are in your co sleeper and Aydan, you are sleeping in our bed. As much as I love you both, I don't know what it is about you two when you're sleeping that fills my heart with so much awe. Maybe it's because you are at your most innocent, untouched by anything negative, perfect and serene. These moments, my sweet little ones, are what make life so absolutely beautiful!

It's poring outside, typical Charleston weather, for this time of year and it makes me remember my very first summer here when Daddy and I first got married. It seems like forever ago, but it really wasn't.
It was a perfect summer, Daddy and I had only been married that December and we were still getting used to each other....it was hard at first but so worth it and it still is!

Believe it or not, I love your Daddy more today then I did the day I married him. We have learned so much about each other and who we want to be, how we want to raise you and most of all, we have learned just how much love a heart can hold.

I know that I have been a little down lately, because I miss Grandpa so much, but God has blessed me so much, I could never thank Him enough...you are my living proof that miracles do happen and that when you follow Christ, He will give you the desires of your heart!